Friday, October 16, 2009

Feeling Sorry For Myself ~ October 16th

It's late, I can't sleep, and I'm feeling sorry for myself... for a whole variety of reasons (boyfriend trouble, family trouble, money trouble... need I go on?). And this has sparked another thing that's been bothering me. Probably most of my readers know by now that I was a fashion model here in NYC. I got down to an emaciated size 0 at 5'9", developed anorexia, and nearly starved myself to death (glamourous, right?). I have never shared modeling pictures of myself, but I decided to tonight... So, here I am, looking sullen and skinny, with my face sunken in. These are from my "book."

These pictures were taken just 2 years ago... Looking back on it, this was a very sad time in my life, and I'm really glad that I'm not the girl in these photos anymore. The pressure was enormous, and my health was very poor. I honestly don't know how I managed as well as I did... Sadly, not much has changed. Here are just a few pictures I found from this fall's fashion week...

I really should apologize if anyone was triggered or offended by any of the pictures I've just posted. Please know that I'm doing it to prove a point. This is NOT what women should strive to look like! And for God's sakes, EAT! I have known sooo many models, and I promise you that they are not happy. And on a side note, it physically hurts to be so boney. When those photos of me were taken, it hurt to sit down because I had no fat anymore covering my tail bone or spine. Keep in mind that the camera adds weight, and a lot of the clothes models are forced to wear cover up how dreadfully skinny they are, so it's really hard to tell anything from pictures!

Anyways, on to happier news! The very kind Katie at the Vitalicious company sent me a huge sampler pack of all their goodies! I was like I kid in the candy store when it arrived! Take a look! :)

It's nice to be able to get to sample everything! So far I've only tried the chocolate "Vita" products. I am in love with their brownies by the way, and usually have to haul ass to Fairway Market to get them, so it was nice to get a whole new box delivered to my door!

And finally, the daily Peanut pic... :)

I don't know what the hell my plans are for this weekend... I may be going Upstate to visit relatives, I may be spending time with my ever disappearing boyfriend, or I may just be spending time with Peanut... actually, that last option is sounding like the best one at the moment! ;)


Neela Marijana said...

so so TRUE!!! model nowadays look nothing more than disgusting. i am so sorry that someone made you believe that you could only model or be a model being a size 0. you could model at any size because you have the beauty and the ability to look extremly beautiful in photos. no matter what weight you are these things dont change. just stupid GAY designers want skinny models so their clothes look better and no one looks at the poor starved model. i mean if a hot woman would walk down the runway everyone would just look at her and not at the clothes right?
sad sad reality!
never the less you are beautiful marina! that's my message. but i prefer you with a little more meat and with a much bigger appetite for life than you probably had while modelling.
loads of love

VeggieGirl said...

The photos are gorgeous and so are you - stay strong!! xo

daisychain said...

I hope you feel better soon,
you look beautiful in your modelling photos, but 100 x more beautiful now.

Megan @ Megzz Wins At Life said...

When I met you last week I did not know about your past. I think you are wonderful for over-coming your problem and becoming such a strong women. I agree with you 100% models are not healthy and what the media portrays as beautiful is not beautiful.. Feel better soon girl!!

You are Beautiful!

Bliss Doubt said...

Marina, you look prettier in newer photos you have in your blog, much more beautiful. I'm sorry you had a dark night of the soul, sorry you suffered in your modeling days, and sorry that beastly boyfriend is playing hard to get. You be hard to get too!

I didn't realize that the model photos have to be disguised to cover up skinniness! What is the point of getting to the weight of a concentration camp victim, then having to compensate for it with photography tricks? I could say that we live in a sick world, but I think it's more that western culture is sick. I don't buy Vogue any more. It preys on the hopes and dreams of young females. I don't have cable TV, so I can't watch the runway shows.

I think it's better just to eat for health, good fresh veg, fruit, whole grains, good things, nourishing things, and to get out, get exercise, have a good life, with work you believe in, and service to others. Enjoying love when you find it is probably a more important nutrient than any of the above.

I'm glad you have Peanut to comfort you. I truly hope you'll find, see or hear something this weekend that will cheer you up.

Anonymous said...

The first day I met you, you said, "if you eat like a normal person, you look like a normal person". That's been my mantra all week- wise words, Marina. Models do NOT look healthy, nor do they look happy...their eyes are dull. Hunger isn't beauty (that first fashion week pic looks like a commercial for an eating disorders unit or something).

Let me know when you are around the upper west side to see where I am staying... YAY VITA!

Jocelyn said...

my goodness..that picture you posted from nyc fashion week! Those models look like they have been in concentration camp for a year. They seriously need to eat :( It's so sad to me...
I'm glad that you have recovered from what you were a few years back...It scares me that so many young girls look up to these kind of models now. Sadly though...most of them don't want to be that way. THey have to be that way to *make* it big in the modelling world. (Not Their fault)

Shannon, Tropical Eats said...

You are beautiful inside and out! This post is screaming the truth that us women shouldn't focus on what the numbers say on the scale. You are gorgeous in your pictures but you are even more gorgeous now! Hope you had an amazing weekend girly <3

Anonymous said...

Oh Marina, I'm so sorry that everything seems to be overwhelming you all at once (I know the feeling!). It always works out, one way or another. It's hard to remember that sometimes.

Thank goodness you DID make it out of the modeling industry and are now in good health. I'm sure your story will help others.

Bliss Doubt said...

Marina, your sadness is related to loss, and your sadness is valid. When you made the decision to leave modeling, there must have been lists of pros and cons that you considered. Pros: you had a place in the fashion community, and you must have made friends with some very cool people among the designers, stylists, photographers, etc. You were doing work that you enjoyed, and probably making loads of money. Cons: you were becoming more and more ill, and ultimately if you continued it could cost you your life.

There might not be anything I could say that would make you feel better instantly, but we are all born with a variety of talents and abilities. When the dust settles, you will find other work that you love, and you will find community again among your fellow professionals. Finally, when you do the work you do best, the money will come.

I hope that helps you. I've been in that dark place before. You will see the light again, and laugh with friends and have fun, I promise.

Patty Ann said...

your cat
so so cute
and totally has character!!!

Danielle said...

I had no idea you were ever a model, I'm a model now too but I'm not really sure if it's the best decision for me. It's the winter, so I'm not really getting any jobs but I don't know. I think I want to model for good things, like maybe beauty ads that only show my face or ED awareness ads. Thanks for sharing the pictures(:

But looking at the pictures, I really realize that it's not worth it. All of the models look very tired and worn out. Probably from not eating. Thanks again, this was almost like a wake up call for me. I'm really glad you're a lot healthier and happier now too(: