Feeling Sorry For Myself ~ October 16th

It's late, I can't sleep, and I'm feeling sorry for myself... for a whole variety of reasons (boyfriend trouble, family trouble, money trouble... need I go on?). And this has sparked another thing that's been bothering me. Probably most of my readers know by now that I was a fashion model here in NYC. I got down to an emaciated size 0 at 5'9", developed anorexia, and nearly starved myself to death (glamourous, right?). I have never shared modeling pictures of myself, but I decided to tonight... So, here I am, looking sullen and skinny, with my face sunken in. These are from my "book."

These pictures were taken just 2 years ago... Looking back on it, this was a very sad time in my life, and I'm really glad that I'm not the girl in these photos anymore. The pressure was enormous, and my health was very poor. I honestly don't know how I managed as well as I did... Sadly, not much has changed. Here are just a few pictures I found from this fall's fashion week...

I really should apologize if anyone was triggered or offended by any of the pictures I've just posted. Please know that I'm doing it to prove a point. This is NOT what women should strive to look like! And for God's sakes, EAT! I have known sooo many models, and I promise you that they are not happy. And on a side note, it physically hurts to be so boney. When those photos of me were taken, it hurt to sit down because I had no fat anymore covering my tail bone or spine. Keep in mind that the camera adds weight, and a lot of the clothes models are forced to wear cover up how dreadfully skinny they are, so it's really hard to tell anything from pictures!

Anyways, on to happier news! The very kind Katie at the Vitalicious company sent me a huge sampler pack of all their goodies! I was like I kid in the candy store when it arrived! Take a look! :)

It's nice to be able to get to sample everything! So far I've only tried the chocolate "Vita" products. I am in love with their brownies by the way, and usually have to haul ass to Fairway Market to get them, so it was nice to get a whole new box delivered to my door!

And finally, the daily Peanut pic... :)

I don't know what the hell my plans are for this weekend... I may be going Upstate to visit relatives, I may be spending time with my ever disappearing boyfriend, or I may just be spending time with Peanut... actually, that last option is sounding like the best one at the moment! ;)

Daily Eats & Thoughts ~ September 28th

I feel a lot better today. I decided to take a long walk... sometimes I find that can actually make you better. Afterall I spent nearly the whole weekend in bed sick! :( I had some errands to run anyway... You wouldn't believe how much time is spent getting Peanut food! lol Since I had to head over to the east side to get his food anyway, I decided to stop in one of my favorite vegetarian restaurants, Dang Lai Palace. After only having a Kashi cookie and juice for breakfast, this was my first substantial meal of the day, a very late lunch at nearly 2 o'clock. Here's what I had...

I started off with their taro spring rolls. Yum!

Then I had their wonton soup...

And I had only some of their steamed dumplings, as I wanted to save room for dessert!

I always get their cheesecake for dessert because it's SO amazing... I don't know if they make it there or get it from somewhere, but it's so creamy and delicious!

I snapped a few pics of Peanut when I got home...

For dinner I had leftovers of Mom's amazing lasagna that I was telling you about yesterday. Thankfully this time I remembered to take a pic! Now it may not look glamourous, but it sure tastes good!

I realize that 90% of the time I just eat Italian or Chinese food! To me those are two of the best kinds of food! So tell me, what are your favorite cuisines?

And on a side note, it's been a year and a half since I've done modeling, and I have to say it's almost a relief to not be part of that world anymore. It is SO nice to be able to eat and enjoy food. To allow (and embrace) myself to be a size 6 instead of a size 0. To eat whatever I want, whenever I want. To not be on a diet anymore. To never go on one again! :) I will always enjoy fashion. I am blessed with good genes, to be tall and slim, and it is important to never take that for granted. No matter what your build, size, etc. throwing your health away is the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE! And it is not worth it. I am much happier now and I feel like such a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can only pray that other people will be able to let go of their eating disorder as I have! If you do have an ED and need support, remember I'm always hear if you want to talk!!! marinajc@rcn.com

That's all for now, my lovelies! xo

Daily Eats ~ August 6th

Slept in again today... and when I woke up, I wasn't really in the mood for breakfast, so I only had a bit...

Breakfast:

I had 2 slices of Food For Life's cinnamon raisin ezekiel toast topped with peanut butter & peach preserves. I had some strawberries and an Apple & Eve organic grape juice box alongside. (I didn't finish all the toast or strawberries.)

Lunch:

I had a repeat of yesterday's lunch... a Van's veggie, egg, & cheese pocket sandwich with a Mott's peach medley apple sauce.

Peanut's nap... it looks like he belongs in a nursery! :)

Snack:

I made my almond parfait with a new greek yogurt that I haven't tried before... Brown Cow's plain greek yogurt. I added in a tiny bit of vanilla extract, some agave nectar and maple syrup to sweeten it, and topped it with sliced almonds and chocolate chips!

I thought that Brown Cow Greek Yogurt tasted a lot like Oikos Greek Yogurt. Both were pretty good, although a bit sour for my taste.

Dinner:

I had an Amy's Country Cheddar Bowl for dinner. I also had an orange later (not pictured).

Dessert:

I had some of a piece of vegan chocolate cake that I got from Whole Foods.

I haven't been that hungry today... I'm really trying to follow my body's cues now, and I seem to have no desire to overeat or under eat anymore. This is a really big step for me, because for the first time in years, I finally feel free of my eating disorder. It's just something that I feel like I'm ready to move past now. I never thought that this day would come either and I'm terrified of a relapse, but I can only worry about today, and today I can honestly say that I'm okay. So for those of you still struggling, please know that recovery is possible and it's possible to get in a good place when it comes to food again! xo

Daily Eats ~ July 30th

I woke up bright and early this morning (at 5:15!) because I slept so much last night. Luckily I feel better now and Peanut was thrilled that I was up so early! He frisked around so much that he tired me back out again. lol Thanks for the well wishes on my blog yesterday... anyone who's ever had a migraine knows how terrible they are! I even threw up last night for the first time in 3 years. (I thank God that throwing up does not come easily to me however, or I'm sure I would have become bulimic at some point... I was definitely heading that way.) So I woke up super hungry too-- undoubtedly I'll be eating more today for sure!

Breakfast:
I had 2 Van's Belgian Waffles topped with maple syrup, dollops of whipped cream, and berries alongside. And I had lots of orange juice with it!


Being that I got up so early, I decided to make the most of it. I went to Union Square to make the rounds... Petco, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's. I'm so stocked up on food now, I won't have to shop for weeks! Which is a good thing, considering you practically need a mask and an oxygen tank to go outside! lol

Mid-morning snack:

I got the new peanut butter & jelly Larabar at the Whole Foods Market today (yes, I practically live there! lol). I'm usually not a fan of Larabars, but I thought this one was pretty good.

Lunch:

I had some organic stuffed mushrooms from The Organic Grill (that I got delivered yesterday from a NY grocery company called Organic Direct) on a bed of Green Giant's rice pilaf. This was really tasty and the two went well together (there were mushrooms in the pilaf too). I also had a Trader Joe's 100 calorie milk chocolate bar after lunch (not pictured).

Peanut's nap was short lived today, but he looked like an angel while it lasted! :)

Snack:

I had half of a Whole Foods granola bar (it was so huge I couldn't even finish the half of it!) with a Wallaby Organic berries & cream "down under" yogurt (these are terrific btw... if only the yogurt was thicker, like greek yogurt, then they would be perfect!).

Believe it or not, but Peanut really seemed to like the granola bar! I only let him have a tiny bit though.

Dinner:

I had Trader Joe's Garden Vegetable Lasgne with some cut up oranges. (I LOVE their lasagna!)

Dessert:

I picked up one of my favorites at Trader Joe's today... their amazing chocolate lava cake! Just 45 seconds in the microwave and it's perfection! I garnished it with strawberries and whipped cream too.

Peanut was thrown off his schedule today because of me getting up at 5 a.m.! So he's sleeping now with Pellet (the beanie baby that bares a striking resemblance to him :).

I think I definitely made up for the lack of food yesterday! It didn't help that I woke up at the crack of dawn either (since you eat more the longer you are awake!). But the key is really eating when your hungry, and eating what you really want to-- and I do both now. I have to admit, a lot of those ED thoughts and feelings are still there, but I have to remember that I'm doing the right thing and that no one is a BAD person for eating! Which brings me to another point... I don't know why society is so hard on women when it comes to eating what they want. Why are women always supposed to be on a diet? Be hungry? Skip dessert? While men stuff their fat faces with steak and beer! (Not all men obviously, but you know... just take a look at a lot of commercials!) There is definitely a double standard, no?

Daily Eats ~ July 22nd

I'm heading downtown today to go to the Whole Foods Market, and I'm going to a pizza place I've been wanting to try in Soho that has VODKA SAUCE! (So stay tuned for that later!) On a side note, alcohol by itself disgusts me... I hate drinking. But there is something about vodka in tomato sauce or wine used in Italian cooking that makes it taste so good! :)

Breakfast:

I don't know if any of you notice, but I never eat cereal for breakfast. You know why that is? Because I associate that with anorexia. Pretty much the only foods I'd eat were cereal and apples. So Kashi GoLean was my main staple in the morning. I tried to eat it this morning, for something different, and you know what? I didn't really like it. I mean, it's OK but nothing I really like eating... I only ate a few bites of it...

So I had a bit of a Cookie's 'n Cream Luna Bar with my glass of OJ instead.

One thing I like about NYC, is that as soon as you step out your door, anything can happen! lol On my way downtown on the subway, we all had to get off a stop ahead of where I needed to. Apparently there was some problem... so I had a LONG walk ahead of me. I was ready for lunch by the time I got to the pizza place I wanted to try! (Especially since I really didn't eat much breakfast... just a few bites of cereal and a few bits of a Luna bar... I didn't feel like breakfast today I guess.)

Lunch:

I had lunch at Pomodoro, the famous "vodka pizza" place on Spring St. in Soho. It lived up to the hype. I got a plain slice and it was DELICIOUS! Plus, one slice is as big as two, so at least you get your money's worth. I felt like having a pick-me-up, so I got a small Pepsi too. Even though I'm not a big soda fan, something about a slice of pizza and a soda makes me feel like a kid again! The only thing I didn't like is that Pomodoro deliberately tried to overcharge me-- until I pointed out to them that $7.71 was ridiculous for ONE slice of pizza and a small soda! Only then did they correct themselves and told me it was $4.20. I swear, I think because everyone is so desperate for money now, they almost deliberately try to charge you more for things, just hoping you won't notice! (I came to this conclusion because this has happened to me several times recently at different places.) Even still, I'd go back here anytime. It was really good!

Then I did my weekly Whole Foods shop... I got my usual favorites, Amy's single serve pizza & country cheddar bowl, one of Whole Food's delicious cinnamon buns (which I will be having for brekkie tomorrow!), frozen peas, fresh berries, yogurt parfait, and more... Plus I went to the top floor of the Bowery Whole Foods to get some vegan iron pills (Mom's been on me about that... she thinks I'm anemic, and she's probably right... I have to face that I'm still recovering from the damage I've done to myself over a year ago).

Snack:

I had one of Whole Food's delicious chocolate chip cookies with nuts and a bit of skim milk with it.

Peanut in his usual napping place.

Dinner:

I had an Amy's Tofu Scramble for dinner. I also had an orange & a Trader Joe's string cheese later (not pictured). Peanut helped himself to the hash browns! lol I only let him have a little piece, but he grabbed it off my plate before I could do anything about it! It's amazing that I have a cat who loves all things tofu, veggies, etc. We really do share the same tastes! :)

Snack:

I had a Trader Joe's 100 calorie milk chocolate bar (not pictured) and a yogurt parfait that I got at Whole Foods today. I love the ones I get from the Bowery Whole Foods... they make it with seasonal fruit, but this particular one has grapes, berries, and of course, crunchy granola on top. (I also shared some more Goldfish crackers with Peanut later on... I've been SO hungry these past few days!)

Tomorrow morning I'm going to be posting about a terrific Stonyfield Farm package that I received. So check back tomorrow, my lovelies! And don't forget to send your FAQ's!!

Daily Eats ~ July 19th

Since Peanut did not like the Blue Buffalo "healthy gourmet" canned food that I got him yesterday (yes, he's finicky!), I'm off to Petco to get him more of his beloved Petite Cuisines. It's weird because he likes Blue Buffalo's kitten chow just fine... but the only kind of wet food he'll eat are Petite Cuisine's fish flavors... red snapper, yellow fin tuna, crab cake, etc. Do any of you have finicky pets?

Breakfast:

I had 2 Kashi GoLean blueberry waffles, topped with fresh blueberries and maple syrup. Unfortunately I ran out of whipped cream this morning (as you can see in the picture! lol), so I threw on some chocolate chips instead... but they didn't really go with it as well as they did with the pancakes yesterday. Oh well. These waffles are okay, but Van's are way better. I had the usual glass of orange juice with it.

Lunch:

I had a Yves Jumbo Dog (with ketchup) with Annie's single serve mac & cheese and Birds Eye Steamfresh single serve peas mixed in. (I didn't like these veggie dogs for some reason... next time I'll be getting Yves "The Good Dog." Those were so much better.)

Peanut thrilled to have his red snapper again!

Like the fishy bowl?! :)

Snack:

I had some of a milk chocolate bar with nuts that I got at Gourmet Garage yesterday. The bar was already separated into 4 pieces, so I just had 3 of the pieces. I'll have the last piece after dinner. There is nothing better than belgian chocolate (except maybe belgian waffles! :).

Dinner:

I had an Amy's single serve cheese pizza (delish!) with a cut up orange. I also had my last piece of chocolate from earlier after dinner. Pizza & chocolate... a good way to end the weekend! ;)

Snack:

I had a yogurt parfait that I got from the Whole Foods Market in Union Square today. This used to be the only substantial thing I'd eat when I was anorexic... I'd get it once a week. It's really good for you... low fat yogurt, lots of nuts, granola, fruit. I never eat the melon though! (That's one of the only fruits I don't like!)

I was doing my usual shave/shower/tan tonight... It's a b*tch being a girl! lol Speaking of which, I've been PMS'ing all week and I feel like I ate like a pig today. :( After not having my period for so long, it really does drive me crazy having it again (even though it's been a year since I got it back). That has got to be the hardest part of recovery for me-- that, and the obvious-- weight gain. :( So that got me thinking... for those of you who've had an ED, what's been the hardest thing about recovery for you?

Daily Eats ~ June 7th

I've been doing this blog for a whole week now and I haven't had many comments/responses... So to my more experienced bloggers out there, how do I increase traffic to my blog? Do I need to be doing something else? Please give me feedback and let me know!! Anyways, on to...

Breakfast:

I had 2 Van's Belgian Waffles topped with berries & Trader Joe's maple syrup. (I was going to add a bit of cool whip, but I forgot!) I also had an Apple & Eve apple juice box with it.

Lunch:

I had an Amy's Vegetable Pie in a Pocket Sandwich (this is one of my favorites!) with a Mott's Peach Medley apple sauce (which Peanut loves by the way!).

Snack:

I had one of the most awesome things EVER from the Whole Food's Market (the one in Chelsea to be precise)... Jelly Roll Cake! It is the perfect summer treat, and surprisingly not too bad for you either (they list ALL the ingredients on the package). Oh, and I can't eat all of this in one sitting! In fact, I threw some out, which brings me to my next point... (read below)

______________________________________________________________

I want to take a minute to talk about something that happened today... I went to pick up some pictures... I had an entire roll of film starring Peanut, of course! But there was this one picture that my Mom took of Peanut sitting on my lap. Granted, it wasn't a good angle, but I looked SO fat. I really felt sick when I saw it. The first thing I thought of is that I need to start starving myself again, STAT! It's very hard for me, someone who used to be a size 0 model (at 5'9") to see myself at a "normal" size (especially since that none of my old jeans fit and I don't have the heart to buy new ones, so I'm stuck in leggings and yoga pants!). Just this morning I looked in the mirror and thought "I look pretty good." Then by afternoon I thought "I look absolutely horrible" and wanted to cry. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes... Just thought I'd share and let you guys know that it's still such a struggle for me. (For more about my story, check out my first post.)

______________________________________________________________

Dinner:

I had Amy's Roasted Vegetable Lasagna. It may not look super appealing, but blame it on the picture because it tastes really good! (Also had an orange after dinner - again, not pictured)

Snack:

I got this idea from Jenny... I took a plain Fage 2% yogurt and topped it with a VitaTop chocolate muffin and some fat free Cool Whip! I also added a couple of strawberries on top (after I had already taken the picture). This is a very filling snack/dessert!

I'll end the day by sharing a photo of Peanut I took a couple of weeks ago-- since I didn't get any pics of him today! I was too busy sorting through the pictures I picked up earlier.

I'd also like to hear your thoughts on eating disorders and my earlier post today... Feel free to contact me anytime, as I like to help other people suffering with ED's. I like to think that we're all in this together... Afterall, it isn't easy being a woman these days...